Today is one of those post-counselling days where my sense of self is shattered. Doesn’t sound good, but I discovered something that needed shattering.
Our life always expresses the result of our dominant thoughts. - Soren Kierkegaard
My councilor and I were discussing this quote today. Figuring out my “dominant thoughts” is harder than it seems. They’re not common surface thoughts that can be mindfully discarded. The dominant thoughts are the deep framework that generates all else. Pete’s suggestion was to think about what my life was expressing, and work backwards from that.
This past week was hard. I reviewed my mid-semester course evaluations. A colleague generously took the time to watch my class, and noticed many students struggling. Administrative tasks were piling up. At home, I struggled to make time to exercise. I ate too much. I drank too much alcohol. I wasn’t in a high energy state to begin the week, and day by day my energy evaporated, my motivation dried up. Yesterday, dragging myself through preparing for work, I thought “I just wish this was all over”. And bang, just like that I was back in the dark place I’d barely crawled out of a few weeks ago. I promptly crawled back out again, but it was a stark reminder of what’s waiting just off to the side.
Spilling all this stuff out in the open is the great thing about counseling. As I reflected back on it all, I realized that I regarded all of it as failure. Failing at self-control. Failing at teaching. Failing at administrating. Once I made that observation, the revelations kept coming. I look at everything as a failure. Failing as a friend, son, nephew, husband, father, advisor. Every project I’ve ever been responsible for, I regard as failed.
I don’t treat anyone else like this. I praise people for their efforts, remind them that the perfect is the enemy of the good, just call it done! Time to start applying that approach to myself.
Postscript
Actually this was a few months back, but after writing the bulk of the post I sort of took a bit of a social media/blogging hiatus. Still am, in fact. But I’ve been working hard on this dominant thought framework for all that time, and I think I’m making progress. I’ve had a couple of setbacks along the way, periods where the darkness ruled. Some of them come as I try out different combinations of medication; trying to minimize side effects like drowsiness without losing the benefit sometimes tips me over the edge for a bit. And you have to wait it out because the results of a change can be temporary. But I’m still here. That’s a win.
